splinter off my sanity

I'm a miracle, there's no doubt about it...might take a lazy girl to get me started

Thu, 23 Mar 2006 00:28:59 GMT

Okay so here's da skinz for the past coupla days...So still no place yet, I have no idea what we're going to do. And seeing as how I'm completley broke, I have no other choice but to move in with christine, cobs, and chaz, which really sucks, cuz I'm going to miss having my own room, and a bed to sleep in. FUCK. Hopefully my parents will either sell/give the jetta, that would make things a lot easier. Spent basically half of my paycheck within the first 24 hours of having it, but I got a new piece to add to my collection...a nice bubbler...so it makes for a satisfactory consolation prize.

Me and James are boys again, which is fucking awesome. It's just like old times, except now we make fun of christine too, occasionally...that's bad I know, but there's just no point in denying certain humorous aspects of the whole situation. Like, sometimes she'll try to joke with him like nothing had really happened, and his response will have this subtle undercurrent of venom in it, and it makes me smile cuz I've never seen that from James before. That and I'll just look at christine and think "Ha bitch! How does it feel being the center of all the negative attention? How does it feel to be the cause of akward silences and situations?" Yeah, that's bad that I think that..but oh well. I also know that even though I don't have the right to be, I feel vindicted. Like, now they've had a taste of what I was going through, sort of. Christine especially. I wonder what's going through her head, now that she's on the receiving end for once. But all that is just water now..everything is as it should be. Christine and I shouldn't be together, which has been no secret for awhile now, christine and james shouldn't be together either, at least not at the moment, and james and I should still be boys. So while nobody got exactly what they thought they wanted, everything turned out they way it should have, I think. And that, my friends, is that.

Nothing really exciting in the love-life arena...the whole Geri situation kinda went *makes rasberry sound*, which sucks because shes cool and all, and it seemed like she was really into me. But the thing is, I really don't want a girlfriend right now. I mean, sure it would be nice and everything, but I don't want to fall into that whole rebound turned relationship trap again. That was one of the things that got me into the mess I am in today...amanda was a rebound from becca, then that relationship got all serious, then went to shit, and then christine was a rebound from amanda, and I guess we all know how that turned out. I just want the connection, and even though I'm sure most of you will probably call bullshit, it doesn't even have to have sex involved. In fact, I don't want it to. I just want to be able to be chill with the girl, get fucked up once in awhile, and have some good conversations with. Someone to go on adventures with, ya know? Like, I don't want to even flirt with the idea of being in a relationship with this girl, which is never going to happen, because every time I meet a girl, I always at least consider it. So yeah, if you're a female and you're friends with me, then I've probably thought of you in some kind of relationship sense. Now, nothing serious or anything, but little "what ifs?" here and there. Shit like that. And the thing is, I don't think I can help it. It just happens automatically. So basically, that particular goal is pretty much fucked. Seriously, I think I just might go gay. Well, wait...scratch that...maybe I'll just pretend to be gay..cuz I'm really not to keen on touching other dudes genetalia or anything, and there ain't gonna be no "whos the pitcher and catcher" shit going on...it just, girls are confusing, complicated, and usually more full of bullshit than I am. So I figure, eliminate the problem right? and it's not about sex or anything, so I don't have to worry about actually DOING anything, and the whole being gay thing will keep me from being able to get with girls romantically or physically.

Ya know, that is actually a really, really stupid idea.....but then again, the simplest ideas right? But no, I know this 'soul mate' of mine is out there somewhere. I can feel it...sometimes it seems like shes right near by but I'm completely missing it. I'm trying not to actually be on the look-out, or search for it, but the harder I try not to, the more I wind up thinking about it. FUCK. Catch-22 anyone?

Oh well. I'll just do the same old thing, and just ride it out. See what happens. It's been working so far? Right? Right?

as always....you know the drill.

Strike 1

Fri, 10 Mar 2006 02:12:41 GMT

Aight, so...I've had the shortest relationship in my life..a whole two days..I can definitly say that I'm proud of myself. So it was with this girl that I work with, (con x1) who is incredibly into me (pro x1). However, her sister, while she is supposed to be my friend is...well...cautious of me being around her 24 year old sister. (con x2, 1 for her sister, and 1 for her being 3 years older than me). I went with her and her kid (con x2, 1 for each year of the kids age), and a co-worker and her 2 kids to chuck E cheese, and when her sister found out I was there with them she called my phone and basically bitched me out, and told me "Don't try anything funny." So that kind of ruined any fun that I was gonna have that trip...really....I'm really getting tired of other people interfering with my life. I mean, yeah..I know my past record is anything but complimentary, but damn, people can change right? And everybody just automatically assumes that my intentions are no good. I've already heard from several other people "don't hurt her" or something along those lines....real fuckin inspiring isn't it? Really, I'm all about just trying to keep it simple, which I explained to her as best I could when we decided to pursue this venture, and we've been together for like 2 days and already I feel like i'm being bombarded..with complications...like for instance she doesnt have a car, neither do I (con x2), she lives with her sister in falls church (con x1), so it's not like I can just see her whenever I want outside of work. Plus, it's not like I'm gonna let her just leave her kid with her sister every time I want her to come out. And what if I want her to spend the night at my place? She mentioned bringing the kid with her....yeah..I had about the same reaction. So, first shot at a relationship AC (After Christine for all you potheads that couldnt figure that out, and yes I know that because I still make references to her regarding my life which means I still somewhat care about her and blah blah blah...no need to remind me, thank you) and it already looks like a crash and burn. But, THIS time I was able to pull the E-brake on this situation before it got too out of hand, unlike my previous two relationships, so that I feel earns me a gold star. Or a cookie. Or something. Bummer tho...it was hella fun making out with her ;) It was fun....but thank god I pulled out my bud nippers, and nipped me some bad....cuz that sitch coulda gotten very nasty.

So even though it probably won't work out (at least not the way I had originally intended), I'll go ahead and count this as a tie instead of a loss...I don't have the girl, but I also don't have the drama. And I at least have a better idea of what kind of girl I'm looking for. Yeah, I know there are those out there who say that I need to be single for awhile...but how long is awhile? And I'm not about to pass up a potentially dope ass girl because I think I need to be single. It's not about me needing to be single so I can get shit outta my system, or play the field, or whatever other lame ass excuse there is. How bout this? How about instead of me needing to be single I need to find a girl that compliments my personality?
I'm really not trying to get into another super serious relationship right away, I swear...I'll admit, I do want a relationship with someone..I mean, lets be honest here, having a significant other usually is a good thing. At least its supposed to be.

Sigh. Back to the dating game. Yippee. I dunno...no seriously seriously girlfriends...just...a friend a guess...yeah..that sounds about right. I'm sitting here thinking about what it is I want...and, it sounds like a good friend. Fuck the girlfriend bullshit, although I'd be lying if I said it wouldn't be nice. But yeah.....anyways...I think I made it out of that potentially bad situation unscathed. Yay for me!
yes. Yay for me.

Tonight

Sun, 05 Mar 2006 18:43:24 GMT

I see myself hanging from a tree
and as I match my own lifeless gaze
a chill sweeps through me
and I shake
and there is moisture on my face
and I can't move to wipe it away

I stand frozen and unstable
unable to break the silence
or break the stare from my suspsended counterpart
He raises his head to look me in the eyes, and my legs vanish from beneath me
As I watch myself fall to the ground
I look up to see myself looking down at me
Death becomes tangible reality

I open my eyes and I'm still standing
still shaking
but still standing
Still hanging from a tree

Tonight

Sun, 05 Mar 2006 07:47:48 GMT

Tonight I saw myself hanging from a tree

Fri, 03 Mar 2006 19:28:04 GMT

I wonder what it'll be like to become a memory...to fade away, and slip through the cracks of passing time.

I don't know if should even bother trying.

Love Ridden - Fiona Apple

Love ridden, I've looked at you
With the focus I gave to my birthday candles
I've wished on the lidded blue flames
Under your brow
And baby, I wished for you
Nobody sees when you are lying in your bed
And I wanna crawl in with you
But I cry instead
I want your warm, but it will only make
Me colder when it's over,
So I can't tonight, baby
No, not "baby" anymore - if I need you
I'll just use your simple name
Only kisses on the cheek from now on
And in a little while, we'll only have to wave
My hand won't hold you down no more
The path is clear to follow through
I stood too long in the way of the door
And now I'm giving up on you
No, not "baby" anymore- if I need you
I'll just use your simple name
Only kisses on the cheek from now on
And in a little while, we'll only have to wave
No, not "baby" anymore- if I need you
I'll just use your simple name
Only kisses on the cheek from now on
And in a little while, we'll only have to wave

I don't know why...but this song means something to me. Wait, no, I do know why. I don't know...I guess on some level I was still hoping there was something left. Turns out there is...but it's not enough. I'm supposed to be changing, and "acting like a man". What the fuck does that mean? She....she said that I haven't shown her that I've changed at all. What am I supposed to do to show her?

WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I EVEN BOTHER

All the flirting, the teasing...serves my dumbass right for thinking it was something it wasn't. I'm supposed to be smarter than that. I think I'm done now...finally...now that I know where she stands, I can get my feet back on the ground. And it pisses me off, because I caught myself in my own trap, which I saw myself doing and still did nothing to stop it. And to top it all off, I've been holding off on pursuing other possible relationships on the off chance that maybe...maybe what? Fuck if I know. I don't know what it was I was expecting, or hoping for. I knew damn well.

But see, it's also not just me, anymore. She says that I'm not ready, I haven't shown her that I've changed, however she doesn't know what changes she wants me to make...And then she comes at me with "Things wouldnt be the same as they were before" well no shit...theyd be better...(I think)...but then out of left field comes "Well I don't know what I want right now." a-HA! Now we get to the bottom. So, to sum it all up, she basically tells me that she doesn't know what changes I need to make, but I need to make them, and even if I DID make those changes, we still wouldn't get together because she doesn't know what she wants anymore, and if for some reason the planets aligned and hell froze over and we got back together, we STILL wouldn't work out because she can't trust me anymore. (which is really the only solid point she made during the whole conversation.)

So, yeah....that little conversation took care of the last shred of my heart that was remaining...the same way a little kid takes care of an ant with a magnifying glass and the sun...a slow burn...but hey...you can't rise up as a phoenix without being burned to ashes first right? Right? I feel like an etch-a-sketch...like I've just been violently shaken, and all the shit from before has just been erased. And if you're wondering, that's a good thing....I think. Yeah, sucked then...but...it all worked out...sorta.....

Blah. Well, at least its good we're staying "best friends" (unfortunately you can't see me rolling my eyes, or hear the razor sharp sarcasm in my voice.) And now, for the first time in...jesus christ..almost 3 years? I don't have to feel guilty about hitting on other girls. Shit, scratch that "other" part....you have to have a girl in the first place for there to be "other girls"

So, this is pretty much ends the christine saga...hopefully my next couple of journal entries will be about someone new....becky is coming in april, and shes talking about moving here, which would make me eccstatic..and there is geri, however complicated that venture would be....but, at least I have options. Yay for options. Yay for freedom. Yay for personal growth. Yay for finding out who the fuck I am.

Yeah!

todays journal is brought to you by the letter H....for?

Wed, 01 Mar 2006 18:35:32 GMT

So....what the fuck...last night was kinda wack...figured people would be out drinking cuz of the "holiday"
Serves me right for trying to celebrate mardi gras in fuckin nova...that and the fact that christine came along, which is always....fun....um..yeah...about that....what the fuck is it that I'm doing? I really just don't know anymore.

It's amazing..in fact, in absolutely boggles my mind how I can go from being so completley sure about something, and then have no idea what the fuck is going on. During the day, when the sun is out I feel..I dunno...in control, I guess. I can be confident, I can be, I dunno..pimp? This whole situation is....wack. I'm getting so damn....frustrated. Only problem is I don't know if I'm more frustrated at christine or myself. It's like, sometimes she acts like nothing has changed, and then I like, blink, and suddenly it feels like we're farther apart then before. Shit is confusing the hell outta me, and I'm not liking it one bit. It's like this constant tease/torture thing, its weird. I enjoy our little conversations and trading flirtatious wit back and forth, but as good as it feels sometimes, its like I'm creating this nice little make believe situation, then I get a nice little punch in the kidney from reality, reminding me of how things actually are. I don't know, even if for some reason she was single again, I still don't think we'd be getting back together. I mean, I don't even know if I want to, and more importantly, I can't tell if she would want to, and thats the biggest bitch of all. But when it comes down to it, I'm tired of being, I dunno..teased I guess, and I'm tired of being confused, and I will absolutely not drop down to that level which has been the tracks that this emotional roller coaster has been has been running on this whole time. I'm trying not to be a dick, and more specifically, not to be a hypocrite (something that is a bit more challenging than I orginally thought). huh? I'm sorry, what? I wasn't really paying attention.

Fuck it. Why should she get that satisfaction? I mean, having two guys who she knows both want to be with her. Yeah, I can admit that...a part of me definitly still wants to be with her. That was probably the first honest thing I'd said in a long time. Don't ask me why...It's like, sometimes I really can not remember why I broke up with her in the first place...But then eventually I remember..or just come up with whatever reason makes sense at that particular moment. But thats beside the point....The thing is that while she may deserve to have guys "fighting" over her, because she's that incredible...that's a game that I am not willing to play. Too many fucking complications, too many politics, too much frustration...and while part of me thinks it would be worth trying, I dont know..Im not sure...whats to say we wouldn't end up back at square one? Fuck this bullshit. Fuck the bullshit indeed.....

I just decided that I'm done with this. Just thinking about this whole wack ass situation gets me heated. I mean, I know I've seen it in her eyes...the feelings are still there...so it makes me wonder what the fuck we're running around in circles for? Shit...why the fuck I'm even thinking this shit in the first place? Didn't I say it was over? Wow, maybe I should pretend that I actually broke up with her for a reason. Ha! Congradulations! You just witnessed a moment of clarity...did you see it? it just happened...for a split second..if you werent paying attention you might have missed it. The shitty thing is, talk to me again in oh about, i dunno...10 or so hours, when I'm climbing into that cold ass bed...lol..bet you i'll be saying something different. It's a cold, cruel world, charlie brown.

I hate circles.
I'm all about straight lines....and thats what I'm gonna be running on now. A straight line...away from her. Yeah...no wait..fuck that..I'm running TOWARDS something. Yeah, that sounds better. Thats the first thought I've had in a few days that wasn't followed up by a completely opposite thought right afterwards.

Yeah....but I do need to get away from her. It's scary how easily she can completely turn my mind around...so FUCK THAT..I mean, last night at the bar, I saw some dude flirting with her...boy was drunk as hell, but instead of finding it amusing I was getting pissed...like, I took one look and was like "oh hell no.." and jumped right in between the two of them.....and afterwards I couldn't believe that I had just did that. Haha....because thats not something I would normally do, right? Like, what the fuck do I care? well...yeah..FUCK THAT

Anxious about having my own place, by myself. Give me some time to build Rob up. Get my own shit straight.
Fuck the bullshit.

Yeah

Why the fuck can't I just find a cool girl to chill with? The past 3 girls that I've thought about starting something up with were all coming at me with the whole wifey attitude. I'm not trying to have that. I'm breaking this pattern of jumping into relationships, then not being satisfied, and blah blah blah. Ya know what? It's all this "grass is greener" complex that I have. Thats probably why I think I want christine back. FUCK THAT. No more. Not for me. I will beat this. Fuck yeah I will. I think it is completely possible for me to find just a decent, chill girl that I can hang with without having to worry about who's gonna be pissed off at me for talking to her, or whos worried that I might hurt or something...a girl to just listen to music with and drink with every now and then and smoke with occasionally. Still looking, by the way...I'm accepting applications. Damnit. Why the fuck can't I get what I want. Wait, why the fuck don't I know what I want? Haha...it gets me so...I dunno, emotional(?) to the point where I start to just laugh hysterically about it. Its....funny...the way the intestinal flu is funny.

anyways
to all my homies
stay true

Ha! Thought i was done didnt you? I'm actually writing this part several hours after the first part...and wow, do I need to stop getting high..no, really tho..fuck all this shit. I really do have a knack for twisting situations and reality to what it is I want to see. And here I thought I was able to look at things from different perspectives. But now that my head is a little clearer, let me just get this out...yeah, a part of me wants to be with her again, but I'm not stupid. It's not gonna happen..and not because neither of us want it to, because we both do, on a certain level. It's just that some things are, and some things are not. It sounds simple doesn't it? So yeah, once we all move out and what not, I'll have my own place, and just take shit from there. I really, really, really, want a new girlfriend. Thats not good, I know...but somethings just are...but the problem with that is I don't really want a "girlfriend" per se...I just want a girl that I can be comfortable being around. I mean, even now with christine and going through whatever it is that you wanna call what we're doing...I still don't quite feel comfortable (with the situation, with me, with her, i dunno...) but it just doesnt feel..i dunno, kosher, i guess. But in my quest for this appearently non-existant girl, I'm already running into bullshit. Like, one girl lives across the country, so thats out, the second girl is too immature to be able to stand up to her bitch of a mother, and the third wants a guy she can lock-down with the quickness. I dunno, maybe its because I haven't been single in so long that I forgot about all the shit that goes along with JUST TRYING TO GET TO KNOW A GIRL. I mean damn....I havent even done anything and I'm already getting shit for it. Blah. Anyways, the first part of this entry was written out of..I dunno...something..frustration maybe? fuck, I dunno..it doesn't matter. It's a fucking beautiful day outside, and that should be enough to break whatever funk I managed to get myself into today.
Holy shit...there just may be hope for me yet....

hooray for alcohol...i think

Fri, 24 Feb 2006 01:54:54 GMT

So lately I've been feeling hella stressed out....I mean, to the point where I would actually use the word "hella"..so, pretty bad. I'm easin up on the smokage, for financial reasons, but to make up for it I got SHITFACED twice this week already.

Monday night I hit up the redrocks with my new drinking buddy kathy, and cobbins, where I proceeded to get so wasted that I would just walk up to random people and buy them shots. Let me tell you, I made A LOT of new friends that night lol. But it was all good...met this one girl who gave me her business card, which struck me as kind of odd..I mean, if a guy does that hes a loser, but when a girl does it its okay...and it this case its even better cuz she was lookin pretty damn fine, and she seems cool enough to be able to chill with, AND she works at a martini bar (can you say 'hook-up' boys and girls?) That, and she gave me a lil somethin somethin, which was awesome as hell..cuz you really dont find a whole lot of people willing to do something completely nice for no reason at all for a complete stranger, and it totally blew me away, and I spent the rest of the night telling her how incredible that made her, not to mention how hot she was. ('crazy fine' I believe were my exact words.) Score 1 for humanity, I guess....

then last night me, chaz, christine, and a few of my co-workers went out for some karoake and THAT, dear friends..was FUCKING AWESOME. I got to have so many different fine lookin girls just grinding their asses against me while I raped the mic. It doesn't get much better than that. The first song I sang was "faith" by my man george michael, and while I was rockin out to that this 30-somethin woman came up behind me and started rubbing my body (i.e. grabbing my shit)...made me fuck up my song..i was pissed. (haha..yeah RIGHT.) I also got to drink with this girl from work, who I think might be into me a lil bit, which is pretty cool.

Found out some pretty interesting info that caught my attention, and I'm not really quite sure what to do with it. Well, I mean theres not a whole lot I CAN do, I suppose...but its like...so..basically me and this girl are pretty much both thinking the same things and what not, (something which I keep admitting then denying) but its like...I want to be the type of man she wants, the kind I know I could be, and what not..she doesn't think I'm ready, I dont think I'm ready, but maybe I am.....I think I could be...fuck, I dunno...like, on one hand I did what I did for a specific reason, and now, I can't even remember what that reason was. If there was going to be a second chance (which there wont be)..would shit even be different? some people say it wouldnt, and part of me believes that, but...I mean, I guess since its been over I've been able to take a step back (more like I was shoved back) and look at things from another perspective, and there is a big part of me that thinks that shit could be different, cuz I know what mistakes I made and how to fix them. But if it was as easy as that, then I wouldnt be where I am right now right? So with that logic, things are as they should be......right? Right? So wrong, on so many levels....sigh....

But I dunno...but there were other things I heard that night that also made me smile...someone still needs a man, and knows it, which is good for my ego, as bad as that is...(haha thanks, btw, jessica) but it was a helluva night...between bouncin back and forth between geri and christine all night, and feeling really akward about one seeing me with the other (still trying to figure out why I even cared), havin my co-workers run interference between me and Geri so that my testicles stay in tact as well as doing some intel work (WITHOUT my knowldedge..and I'm still not sure if I want to know what they found out) AND having strange women grab my genitals, on top of that, I think I got propositioned for anal sex by a gay spanish dude, then christine got a little sick (ha...a little...serves her right for goin after that 151...) but I got to take care of her a lil bit, which made me feel good, cuz I feel like I haven't done that in a LONG time...I think my sublime shirt might be ruined tho..lol..oh well..small price to pay, I guess...it just reminded me how good it feels being the one to take care of her, and also reminded me of how I stopped taking care of her, (god, why do I always have to think of a negative for every positive?)
Because I suck. Jeez, it's not rocket science or anything

But something completely unrelated...I still need a car, AND a place to live, all within the next 2 weeks...so, Im freakin the fuck out, and for the first time in my life I'm scared that I may not make it..I mean, yeah..I guess I'll pull through..but I'm not certain like I used to be..I think christine had a lot to do with that...like, no matter what shit happened, I knew things would be okay, just cuz I was with her, and when it came down to it, thats really all that mattered. So what happened, you ask? I dunno...but, it happened...eh..it is what it is, I guess....but then again...

well anyways.....

You know the drill

to all my shniggys

Stay true

Tue, 31 Jan 2006 03:09:25 GMT

yeah so.........I guess it's been a few days...heres the updated:

So, instead of our lease being up at the beginning of april like i thought, turns out its up at the end of february instead....jesus, i swear its like someone up there is trying to shove me out of nova as hard as they can...fuck...I really don't want to leave yet...I feel like theres some things that I need to resolve before I move...I have no clue what the are, but it's like theres something inside me that feels I need to stay for a lil while longer before I run off. and yeah, I said run off. I feel like I'm running away from something, rather than running towards something. I feel like I'm being "run out town" so to speak, and I guess I know that's not really the case. If I really wanted to stay I guess I'd be trying harder to make it happen.

FUCK

still not quite how I feel about her yet...but I'm finding that every day its becoming easier and easier to be nice to her. well, nice isn't quite the word...its more like its easier to be around her and be somewhat comfortable. and today, it was so weird....she patted me on the back, and when she touched me I didn't feel a thing. Well, almost nothing. There were traces of regret, longing, hope....but I almost didn't even notice them. and I don't even know how I'm supposed to feel about THAT. I mean sure, I want to get over everything, move on with my life...I dunno, I'm realizing that I'm a dweller, but only on the shitty aspects of my life, I never dwell on the good things. Now if I could only understand why.....someone once told me that I'm a 'cutter', metaphorically speaking of course..but like, in the way that a person will cut themselves cuz they want to feel that pain, I mentally cut myself by focusing on the negative, because I like feeling the pain...maybe because I feel like I still deserve it...i dunno...i just dont know...
ugh.....I'm trying to shake that personality trait, I really am.

Still don't really like seeing them together *mild chuckling* however its not as bad as it used to be. I'm still trying to decide if thats a good thing or not. and now, at the end of my day my thoughts tend to be more apathetic towards the whole situation than anything else, which is a huge step from the type of shit that was going through my head a few weeks ago. its like...when I think about it, instead of feeling bad, or pain, or whatever...Im more like "meh..bullshit happens...oh well" only problem is, i can't tell if its a step foward or a step backward. Is not caring a good thing or a bad thing? someone let me know, cuz I'm having some trouble figuring this one out...
*cough DENIAL cough* Sorry, excuse me....I think I had a little DENIAL caught in my throat. Gross.

another thing is, I dont really having anything else to say. its like, the whole reason i started the livejournal was to get shit outta my head and down onto something, (not to mention letting certain people know what i was thinking without actually having to tell them...that makes a pussy i know, but when u cant look someone in the face because u feel nothing but burning hatred for them...it makes it kinda difficult to talk about such things...oh, and that burning hatred is no longer there either...its kind of smoldered into a mild disdain more than anything else, and THAT i know is definitly a good thing.
uh huh.....

just great.....

now of course, one of the main reasons that im making such "progress" (if u wanna call it that) is cuz I have somewhat of a new interest of the female persuasion....which a lot of you are prolly shaking ur heads at, but its all good...cuz she lives in california, so theres no worries about me doing something incredibly stupid (for once)...that and shes still carrying her V card, and we all know how i feel about THAT ;) so i can basically satiate my instinct to try to find a new girlfriend, without actually GETTING new girlfriend. pretty smart huh?
but its cool, shes a great friend to talk to, and in the past couple weeks i've talked to her more on the phone than my last 2 girlfriends put together...(and yeah, i know thats really bad, but its not the worst thing ive done) but anyway, thats cool...she reminded me that I am one charming sonofagun..and not just in the whole in ur face hitting on every girl kind of bullshit way that im known for...the actual like making girls think im cute and all that jazz kind of charming..which is a quality that i forgot i had. and thats pretty cool.
oh yeah...and did I mention I'm a pimp?

aight well, im gonna go find something to get into..cuz now that im not so wracked by the situation anymore, i really dont have much to say...pretty pathetic huh? lol..im gonna start looking for good shit to inspire me

as always

to all my homies
stay true

DRIzzunk

Fri, 20 Jan 2006 06:54:30 GMT

so....i'm drunk......

its been a bad, bad, bad, couple of days...but..ya know.....it'll be okay, I guess....

Unfortunately I have to move to charlottesville a lot sooner than planned, so I'll be down there by the time spring rolls around...which sucks cuz i really didnt want to have to move that soon...but oh well...for the best I guess

I'm so fucked up right now

but its cool

cuz

I've made peace with reality

and the way things are

itll be in my memory, lost somewhere in the shuffle of day to day life

And

I don't hate him anymore...I can't...he was too close to just cast aside over some shit that shouldve happened long ago...hugging him feels a lot better than hating him

I'll be okay

wish me luck

hmm

Sat, 14 Jan 2006 01:56:23 GMT

I found these the other day...funny how years after I wrote them I just happen to come across them, and it turns out they still mean the same thing...and by funny I mean incredibly depressing

Fall ~
Sometimes I want to smile but sometimes smiling, it just don't feel right
Sometimes I want to laugh but the only thing thats funny is the irony of my life
Sometimes I want to run but I feel like I'm held down by weight that I can't see
Sometimes I want to cry, but I been cryin so long all the tears have run out of me

And I said, "If you see me trip, will you catch me when I fall?"
You said, "Give me everything, or give me nothing at all."
I said "All I ever wanted was a promise to be true."
You said "All I ever needed was a little love from you"
And you say "no matter how hard we try, we just dont fit in each other lives"
I said "Why can't you try to just believe?"
You said "We just aren't meant to be."

The Rain ~
you can't hide from the rain..on a warm summer day you might be able to pretend that you forgot what it was like walking together hand in hand along the path, occasionally pausing for a passionate kiss underneath a tree, the sunlight sprinkling down around you through the branches overhead..and after awhile you might even be able to fool yourself into thinking that you dont feel alone and cold lying in your bed, even with that quilt wrapped around you. but when it rains, you can't help but remember how you used to kiss each other every time it rained, how you held her close to keep her warm, and how she looked so beautiful standing there, rain drops slowly rolling down her face as she looked at you with eyes you knew were filled with love. no, you can't hide from the rain. it makes you remember...and wont let you forget

Memories~
It still hurts, you know. Even after all this time. It’s the memories that get to you, you know. It’s when you drive by their house and see somebody else’s car parked out front, and you remember when it used to be your car parked there, and you know that their parents like that somebody else a whole lot more then they’d ever like you. And as you drive by, you happen to glance up at their bedroom window, and all you can think of is how it should be you sitting on the bed with them, staring into their eyes, and not somebody elses. It’s when you’re at work, or at school, or just out somewhere, and you catch a whiff of that perfume or cologne that they used to wear all the time, and you snap your eyes up and look around, expecting to see them right there in front of you. But all you see is some strange persons face, or nothing at all, if your lucky. But it’s already too late, because as soon as you pick up the aroma, memories and feelings come flooding back into you in a gigantic tidal wave of emotion. You can’t think striaght, you can’t see clearly, and all you are able to focus on is them, and the nights you spent together, and how they would wear that special scent just for you. Suddenly you can feel their lips softly press against yours, their hands running through your hair, the warmth of their body as they press against you. You smile as you remember that one special night that you had together, where nothing else in the world mattered but the two of you, and the two of you would be together forever. And that is when the strength drains out of your body, as if someone pulled out the plug in your sea of emotion. And it’s all you can do to keep from crumpling to the ground in tears, all too aware of your worthlessness and your stupidity and mistakes you’ve made, and how things will never go back to the way the once were. You begin to sob silently to yourself, thinking of how different everything could’ve been, how beautiful everything used to be, and how ugly they are now. It’s almost enough to make you wish it had never happened at all, but even though it still hurts, you still smile when you think about them. Yeah......it’s always the memories that get you.

~
The Rain(2)
I still think of you when it rains
And I still miss you when it rains
And I wonder what went wrong, when everything had seemed so right when it rains
And I still need you when it rains

I remember holding you when it rained
I remember how you looked at me when it rained
Stealing kisses in the night, under the light of the moon when it rained
I rememeber how I loved you so, in the rain

And I still think ofyou when it rains
And I still miss you when it rains
I miss rainy days gone by, I look out my window and i sigh when it rains
And I still love you, when it rains

sad, but true

Wed, 11 Jan 2006 08:19:57 GMT

Yeah..so ANYWAYS..I went out and had a life tonight, unlike some people who sit around thinking of rhymes that got str8 jacked from a Dr. Suess book...fucking straight up cat in the hat typa mothafucka..all like, "My ass is neither here nor there....my ass is fucking EVERYWHERE" lol what the fuck?

It's all good...but tell me why I feel like I suddenly got transported back to middle school? Like I'm really about to battle some bitch through my live journal. Well FUNK THAT...I got plenty of other important shit to be thinking about, so why would I waste my energy thinking about some ho that I might as well not even know? Shit, prolly woulda been better that way. uhhhh

Besides, it takes away from me thinking about other shit, cuz I'm not quite done with it yet. Funny how I can admit something like that, acknowledge its presence, but still not be able to do anything about it. Oh well. I'm definitly doing better...(ha, makes me sound like I've got some kind of terminal disease or something) But seriously, I'm more accepting of the situation that I was awhile ago. It's something. meh.....I wouldn't quite say that....

"If I was a goof around I would be staying up all night"

Ya know, I listened to "Don't Push" by sublime last night, and I noticed something about it. And I'm noticing it again tonight as I listen to it now. This song is one of my favorites, because it really sums up one of the best times of my life....this past summer. I don't know, just certain lines evoke memory upon memory...this is quite possibly one of the most powerful songs for me. It reminds me of good times, with great friends...people that I got to know over the summer that were in my eyes, exceptional.

"If I had a shotgun, you know what I'd do...I'd point that shit straight at the sky and shoot heaven on down for you.."

I can remember bowl rides in james's car, windows down...cigarettes burning..music blasting. He'd sing the melody, and I'd do my best to try and harmonize...usually him starting a verse and me finishing it, our harmony lifted by christi's voice backing us up from the backseat. Ya know, I've actually had daydreams about all of us being on a stage doing a cover of that song....and I'd smile, just thinking how much we would fucking rock that shit. The energy that I felt while we all sang together was...well, powerful. Every time I hear this song, it almost brings it back.
Still does too.....ah, the good ol' days....when I still felt like I had a good handle on my life. What the hell was I thinking....

"Because the bars are always open, and the time is always right"

For me and James, the time was always right...for a couple of bowls, and then some smash brothers. I can remember just getting blazed as shit and then playing like, 5 or 6 10-stock games with James, just practicing cuz we were tired of getting our asses handed to us by cobbins. Those endless bowls and intense games were what made James and I the smash players we are today. We were always up for a good adventure as well. Smoking in the townhouse while it was still under construction was hilarious. It'd be nice to try and find out if the new owners would let us chill in their garage for old times sake. Bowl rides were always sweet, especially with special J behind the wheel. Whether it was to circle K or FFC for some food, or maybe we just wanted to see where a road took us, and then figure out how the hell we wound up in maryland, stuck on 395 traffic. Hittin up the biltmore when we went down to charlottesville to visit jay was definitly crucial. Alternating shots and bowl hits on the train tracks, then coming back tot he house and playing Mortal Kombat for like 3 hours straight. good chronic and sweet video games...good times well spent, memories not to be forgotten.
ahh....special-J...good times

"I hear the mountain, it hard to climb"

I mean, it wasn't quite a mountain...but it was a helluva hill that me and Christi had to climb up when we went up to the river. And what a way to end a trip, when it had started so simple. The day after the 4th of july, I believe....Me and christi went and got some breakfast at Burger King, and then I just figured I wanted to go for a drive, since it was a pretty nice day. I figured, shoot out west on 50, and stop and turn around whenever I felt like it. Christi stayed with me for a lil while, but soon enough, she was curled up in the corner of the passenger seat. I remember looking down at her, then looking up into the sky at the sun riding along next to us and thinking 'I could drive like this for the rest of my life, and it wouldn't be a waste at all.' That's kind of how I felt about her around that time. Like, for the first time in my life I saw something of myself in somebody else. And the connection was explosive. I thought I had found a soul mate. Not in a romantic sense, but the way you feel about someone you think you'll be close to for the rest of your life. I'm not so much hurt, as dissapointed.
I'd have to say that was probably one of my most favorite memories from last summer....and when I was driving and christi was asleep, I really thought about not stopping, and that I really could be like that, with her, for a long, long time....Hell, I wish I could feel the way I felt that day all the time. And I was really disappointed and hurt that we fell out the way we did. Sigh....c'est la vie.

4th of july will always be one of my best memories

Tue, 10 Jan 2006 20:51:27 GMT

So last night was fucking awesome....just driving around til like 430 in the morning on the most crucial bowl ride ever....I can't even remember the last time I was able to just enjoy myself and not think about all the shit thats going on around me (for longer than a couple minutes). It was fuckin fantastic. Basically reminding me that I can still have fun and enjoy my life...cuz lately I've been feeling like I can't go anywhere without this shit hanging over my head....like, I can't even be comfortable and stress free in my own house, and it's been driving me crazy. There are just some people that I really can't be around, as much as I want to be. It's too much for my brain to deal with, day in and day out. It sucks, but when I can't even be relaxed while sitting around and getting blazed, then it's a bigger problem than I thought. So many things are just racking my brain, I can't keep it straight. I'm bouncing back and forth between opinions and feelings and emotions like my brain was playing ping pong with itself or something. Funny thing though, for the life of me I can not remember who that bowl ride was with.....maybe I do smoke too much.....

Is it bad when someone hates it when you're happy?
yes

But anyway, I needed last night. I mean, didn't really fix anything, but then again, lifes a journey not a destination right? Like, I still would rather just not have to deal with any of it, but last night reminds me that I don't need to let shit rule my life. I didn't before, and theres no point in starting now. It's not like I have to put up with shit every second of every day...there will be times when I just don't need to bother. And that is good.
Hmmmm

Looking still hurts. So does caring.
So true.....

on a sepearate note....this is in response to someone saying something...and I'm sure you all know what the deal is...

Don't get hard with me cuz you just realized you a slut
Don't call me dirty when its you that takes it up the butt?
cuz you know I throw down when it come time to come round and come pound
don't make a sound when I..uhhh....
make my case all ova ya face, then take a picture and put it in on myspace, no bitch you cant come to my place
cuz then people might think we're actually friends when all I wanted to do was just put it in your rear-end
shit I only came over cuz I popped that pill, thinkin bout it still makes me ill, but like a crackhead I aint got no will
to say no and just go back up to my room where its still cold, maybe listen to some good flow, maybe do some good blow and throw on a porno....
cuz at least it won't be a waste of time..don't care if you get yours cuz I know Ima get mine
so don't whine and stop tryin to act all innocent cuz that shit just ain't flyin

:)

somewhere between love and hate....

Mon, 09 Jan 2006 16:43:37 GMT

I love the way your arms would feel wrapped around me tight
I love how you would keep me warm, on cold winter nights
I love how when I needed you, you were always there
can't fucking stand to see you with him but I can't help but stare

Cuz I hate the way you look at him, cuz it's the way you looked at me
And I hate the way you are together, the way we'd never be
I hate the way we're moving on, I wonder how long we've been done, Now tell me who was really wrong
Cuz I'm caught
Somewhere between love and hate

Loving you is the best thing that I've done with my life
And I swear to you that I would do what it takes to make things right
I'd take back every mistake I made, and every time we fought
but when I think how fast you ran to him, you deserve what you fucking got

Cuz I fucking hate the way you look at me, and the way it makes me feel
And how easy I could lie to you, and say it wasn't real
Shit will never be the same, I'm trying but it's all in vain, and I can't fucking stand the pain
Cuz I'm caught
Somewhere beteween love and hate

Don't tell me
everything will be okay
Don't tell me
leave it up to fate

Cuz these feelings just won't go away, and theres a part of me that wants to stay, but I can barely make it through the day

I'm caught
Somewhere between love and hate

a favor

Sat, 07 Jan 2006 19:24:23 GMT

hey people...quick favor...if you post a comment and its anonymous cuz you don't have ur own live journal, please put your name on it so I know who you are......thanks

fading memory.......

Fri, 06 Jan 2006 09:55:21 GMT

She closed the door behind them as he popped a Black Eyed Peas mix into his player. After exchanging the ceiling light for the black light he kept on the bed, she began a gentle roll with her hips as she moved towards him. Taking her by her waist, he pulled her close to him and brought her soft lips to his. Tongues intertwining, they moved as one, hands exploring each other, as if it were the first time. Stopping, she pushed him back on the bed and closed her eyes as her hands slowly roamed up and down, lightly teasing herself. He inhaled sharply, and his pulsed increased with the tempo of the music and the sway of her body as she danced, deserting her shoes and panties as she sensually posed in various spots around the room. His senses heightened to feverish levels, the sweet aroma of her arousal only kindled his own. It wasn’t until she climbed onto the bed and was looking down at him that he noticed the tiny beads of sweat forming on her undulating abdomen, shining in the black light and accentuating her navel piercing like stars around the moon. Gesturing for him to raise his hands, she lifted off his shirt, and threw it across them room. Then kneeling, she slowly unbuttoned his pants while sending out messages of pure desire to him with her eyes……………………..

This actually happened, by the way....it was one of the last times me and christine had really, really, good sex.....or any sex for that matter, now that I think about it.

Thu, 05 Jan 2006 00:15:29 GMT

So, it's a new year...a chance to start fresh...hopefully I'll make the most outta this one, and not fuck it up like I've done the last 2....

Here are some of my New Years Resolutions:

1.) Changing myself: It's time for a character overhaul...I swear to god I honestly don't know how I became such a fuck up. I mean, really...if the person I was 8 years ago met the person I am today, he woulda kicked my fuckin ass for sure..without even a second thought. I mean, how the fuck did I go from being such a hopeless romantic and being sincere and good to the drooling dog that I am today? I could probably think of a couple reasons....I just don't know...so, here's my resolution...I'm going to try and not be such a dog, and treat girls like people again...It's been so long since I've just been able to chill with a girl just to enjoy her company, and not try to get into her pants. Now, I'm not saying that I'm not gonna try to get mine, cuz, I'll be honest, I love sex. LOVE IT. But, it's no longer on my list of priorites. It's all about the mind baby. Feel free to pause for a moment so you can have a good laugh. I know I am. While sex is good, unless it's with someone I love, its still just sex. I mean, it could be like, hot freaky jungle love kinda sex...but its still just sex. I'd much rather see whats in a girls head than in her pants. I think it'll be much more fulfilling. Ha. Turned out it's not. I'm also gonna stop thinking I know what everyone else is thinking. While I am very, very intuitive as to what people are feeling, it doesn't actually mean I know what's going through their head. It never dawned on me to actually ask...maybe because I was always afraid of the answer. But, honesty, and straightfowardness (if thats a word) is what its all about now. I have a tendancy to wear my emotions on my sleeve, but never actually address whats bothering me. So I'm gonna work on that. If I have a question to ask, I'll ask it. If I need to tell someone whats up, I'm gonna make sure that my voice is heard, no matter what the consequences. I'm tired of people knowing I'm upset about something, and seeing me not do anything about it. Cuz that just makes me look like "an emo kid" as someone once referred to me as. Gee...can't imagine how she got THAT idea. Fuckin A. So yeah, if you think that I might say something about somethig you're doing, or saying...and you don't want to hear it, you just might want to step out, cuz Ima get right at you about it.

2.) Relationships: So, its really been almost 3 years since I've been single, and although it sucks ass sometimes, I'm gonna try to see how long I can go without having a girlfriend. Not that I really had a choice in the matter. Now, I'm not saying I won't date or anything, or even that if the most bomb ass girl came along, I wouldn't take the chance...but I'm not actively seeking it like I used to. So ladies, I love you all, and I still wanna chill, but beware of me...cuz bein in a relationship for me is like being addicted to coke. I don't want it, but I'm always trying to get it. I'm gonna have my withdrawls...So if it seems like I'm getting just a little too friendly, its either cuz I'm fucked up and trying to get some ass, or I'm trying to start something more romantic. Either way, let me know so I can stop.
"I don't know if you know this Joe Rogan, but I smoke rocks..."

3.) Life: I'm gonna try to live it up as best I can. I'm a man of possibility and opportunity, and I want to enjoy every one, but hopefully at the same time be able to realize I have something good in front of me when it's there. No more of this grass is greener bullshit...that's the mentality that screwed me in the past two relationships, (and the better part of my life, I feel sometimes) and I'm tired of it.

oh, and I'll prolly like, try to get in shape and shit..and like quit smoking cigarettes..maybe...possibly...I haven't done too well so far ;) Still working on that......yeah.....

aight folks, hopefully I'll get through the year without fucking shit up too bad.
I wish you all luck in your efforts to make your own resolutions reality.

Love, Peace, and always,
Stay True

a response to a comment

Wed, 04 Jan 2006 16:41:08 GMT

some anonymous person commented on the whole "how high can you fly with broken wings" statement I made, asking "How can your wings be broken if you never really loved her??"

You know, thats a pretty damn good question. It's one of the many internal battles thats going on inside my head right now. Let me see if I can clear this up. Now, I'm not gonna try to lie and say that I never loved her, that's just complete bullshit, and anybody who knows me will tell you true. I'm not gonna try to pull some kinda sour grapes bullshit on the situation, cuz it just wouldn't fly. Yes, I did love her, as much as I thought I could. Now, before everyone starts throwing the bullshit flag, I know what you'll say.."But Rob, how could you have really loved her and still done all the shit you did?" This is a very good question, and when I figure out the answer I'll be sure to let you know. Still don't know the answer, either. But that's why I said I never really loved her. Doesn't mean that it's completely true. There are different kinds of love, and while I may not have loved her in the way that I should have, I still did love her, to some extent. Ooooh...I hope that didn't make me look as bad as I think it did.

Now I'm sure there are those of you out there who will read that and say "Rob you are so full of shit."
Well you know what I have to say to that? FUCK YOU. You have no fucking clue as to what is going through my head, and exactly how I feel about anything. The sames ones who say I'm full of shit are the same people who are in denial about the level of shit inside themselves. Don't fucking even THINK about telling me how I feel. I'm tired of all these fake ass bitches trying to call me out on shit when they should be calling out themselves. At least I admit what I am, and try to change. Those people are content with being fake, pretending that nobody else sees them for what they really are, cuz people are too nice to call them out. FUCK THAT. Let you try to say some bullshit to my face and see if I don't flip the fuck out.
I'm just gonna let that one alone...it's not even worth it.

The truth is that in most break-ups, its hard on both parties for awhile, especially after you've been together for that long. It's hard to give up something that was a comfortable, everyday part of your life. There are certain difficulties and emotions and a whole lot of other shit that's expected whenever you make a major change in your life, whether its for better or for worse. I mean, how many people have done something they weren't completely sure about after they did it..like breaking up with someone for example. Self-doubt can be a real mind fuck. I suppose for a while there will be some part of me that wonders if I really made the right choice, or if I just threw away the best thing that could ever happen to me. It's like, I was so focused on greener grass and other possibilies that could happen, that I was blind to the possibilites that were right in front of me. But....deep down I know that it's for the best. Things always work themselves out eventually...and while some days are better than others, I know that this is how things need to be for me for awhile. I'm free (no offense), and have a whole world of possibility in front of me.
Aww....blind optomistic denial....kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Tomorrow, as they say, is another day.

To all my homies:

Stay True

the dilly-yo

Wed, 28 Dec 2005 01:43:22 GMT

So its been a few days, so let me update you as to what exactly has been going on.....

My ex who I still have to see every fuckin day is now going out with one of my *cough* friends, and I'm supposed to be "happy for them"...yeah fuckin right. Now, appearently, it seems that while nothing was acted upon, they had feelings for each other long before I broke up with her. (no big suprise there)

After a couple weeks of riding this emotional rollercoaster that even cedar point would have to bow down to...I've come to a few conclusions.

1) I don't give a FUCK. why should I? I broke up with her, I was planning on the breakup for awhile, she just called me out on it before I was actually ready to do it. Which, is kind of a cop-out, I mean, you can never really just stop caring...but, I'm pretty much there..it's not so much that it's happening, is that who its happening with. I mean, it's not like she was gonna stay single for ever sure, and if I had really felt that bad about it now, I wouldn't have dropped her ass like 3rd period french in the FIRST PLACE..sorry, that was a little bitter..its been a long day. But really, my feelings about it aside, I really would like to come home from work at least once or twice a week, and not see them all over each other on the couch. I mean damn...and they always do it on the worst days too...go figure. But as far as what me and christine had...there are no more feelings about that...shit, to be honest they really were gone for awhile, if they were ever really there in the first place. Now, I'm sure you thinking, 'bullshit, hes just got a case of sour grapes'..but really now...would I have done all the things that I did, and didn't do..if I really felt the way about her that I said I did? And I know, that makes me a lying bastard, but I didn't make the rules. I just know which ones I can get away with breaking. Now, just because one CAN, doesn't mean one SHOULD...But if they happen to, and they can get away with it? I mean, what someone doesn't know wont hurt me...and whatever happened to no harm no foul? But thats all beside the case...really, FUCK THE BULLSHIT..I'm tired of it.
I can sum this up in just one word.....DENIAL.

2.) There a bitches, there are phonies, and then there are phony bitches. Ya know, I know I'm not that great of a guy, I've done a few (A few?) things that I'm not proud of. But at least I can own up to shit when I do it. It's not like I just go out and do whatever, I think about the consequences. They usually just dont bother me enough to stop me. But then you have the people that act like they are all saints and whatnot, but they are really just snakes in disguise. See, it actually makes me feel better about that shit that I do, because at least I'm straight up about it. I'll tell you to your face what I'm doing to you, for the most part. I don't try to hide who or what I am, for better or for worse. But really, when you go after a friends ex like a week after they split up...that takes some brass cohones..and thats some shit that I wouldn't even be down with. All the lying, the fakeness, the playing nice..its bullshit. I mean, they try to pull this "oh it just happened" crap...shit like that doesn't 'just happen.' Shit like that is PLANNED, by at least one member of the party involved. Believe me, I would know. So, all of a sudden I'm the bad guy...like yeah, its not that I don't deserve that title, but they aren't completely absolved from blame either. I guess nobody ever stopped to think WHY I did the shit in the first place....funny how one-sided shit gets every now and then. Like, you have someone who u figure would be the first one to bitch you out and fuck your shit up, then they act like they care, and then actually bitches you out for something that she contributed to in the first place...but really, come on now...I mean, does anybody else find it a little...convenient...that they all started being nice at the same time? So it makes me think, what would I do if I was in their situation...I want to 'do whatever' with this girl, but because of her ex we both feel kind of guilty about it..so what do I do? I make nice. I tell her to make nice. I tell our friend to make nice. Because if we're all playing nice to the ex, hes got no real reason to be pissed off at us (NOT)..and now we can actually fuck without feeling guilty about it. (yeah, thats how I fuckin feel..call me cynical, or conspiritorial, I'm gonna go with extremely conspiritorial but they have not given me one good reason to give them any benefit of doubt.) Now, the only problem with that is I feel like an asshole for being pissed, cuz, one hand I really don't have any reason (or right) to be pissed. I guess it really depends on which side of the glass you're looking through. But, (and I'm sure many of you can attest to this,) it's a lot easier for someone to say they 'still want to be friends' when they are already through with you. Well, that's still true.

3.) I don't learn the first time. No Shit. I really don't. I mean, I swore I would never let what happened with my other ex amanda to happen again. And yet, it did. I'm living with my ex, and im about to lose my damn mind from the strain alone. Not from regret, or from what feelings still may be lingering, but because it's just a shitty situation. Simple as that. I try not to burn bridges, but when I do...I blow them the fuck up. I also made the mistake of dating a virgin...which is something I swore I would never do again. Too much damn pressure, too much bullshit going along with it. Now, I know thats somewhat mean to say, but goddamn it, I'm sick and tired of breaking these bitches in and then havin the whole shit blow up in my face, and then they go use their "new found knowledge" on some other guy. I'm tellin ya, there are at least 9 or 10 guys out there who should be fucking on their knees thanking me for getting those girls out of their shell, so to speak. And now, It's happened again. And the thing that pisses me off the most about it, is that it takes me usually anywhere from a month to 3 months just to crack that shell...and now...2 fuckin weeks and she's all "We haven't fucked yet, but I want to." Yeah, she said that to me. Right to my face, too...like it was something I really wanted to hear. And yet, I'm supposed to be 'happy' for her. And her reason for not doing it? "It's still too soon." which basically means she feels guilty about what shes doing now, and wont fuck until she either makes nice enough with me to fool herself into thinking that its okay, or until she gets so pissed that she just doesn't care anymore. But hey..at least SOMEONE is reaping the fruits of my labor, right? Haha...ha...a ha...*AHEM*
Jesus. I think my ego is only matched by my stupidity.

4.) There are some things that just are, and some things that are not. There are certain truths that one must come to realize. Understanding is not always a luxury that is to be afforded....

I AM over her. Call bullshit if you want, but really...how hard is it to get over a relationship that shouldn't have been in the first place? Don't fucking even THINK about comin up on me and tryin to tell ME what I'M thinking or feeling. You'll only piss me off and make me think you're really stupid. So just to clear up all the bullshit...I am over her...I am not however, completely thrilled about the current situation, which, say what you want, may not be "right", but it is certainly justifiable if not expected. But I'll deal. I'm at the point right now where its starting not to make sense to be pissed off. All that'll do is just make me miserable and miss out and all the good shit thats going on around me. Now, to be honest, part of me never wants to see either of them again. Part of me wishes me and christine never had met in the first place. But, that will change with time, I'm sure. But one thing I'm certain, things will NEVER be the same. And it pisses me off that they expect me to just fall back into shit like it aint no thing. Like, its MY fault that shit is akward with everyone now. I'll tell ya what...shit wouldn't be akward if they weren't doing shit in the first place, or could at least keep it out of the house. (EXACTLY)
But really, who am I to make a comment like that? I ain't nobody now...I say let them do their thing, I'll keep on doing my thing. Hopefully theyll be happy and the shit won't blow up in their faces. This is kinda assholish, but HA! We all saw how THAT situation turned out....and who says I'm not psychic? Boo Ya! Haha..(now, thats fucked up I know, but you're dealin with some young naive motha-fuckers here, anythings possible) She is no longer part of my life. Oh well...I guess you win some and you lose some, huh? But I will NOT, I absolutely REFUSE to not enjoy my life. Otherwise, what the hell did I break up with christine for?
Denial baby...it ain't just a river in egypt.

Well kiddies, its time for me to clean up so I can get the hell outta dodge...No harm, no foul...no hard feelings right? I'll do my best to not be an ass, for those of ya'll who know, that's certainly easier said than done. Ha. Turned out that way too. I'll leave on this quote from Steven Tyler which sums up one of the new philosophies in my life..."How high can you fly with broken wings?"

to all my homies:
Stay True

TaDA

Sat, 17 Dec 2005 17:48:24 GMT

I had a revelation last night. Something of an epiphany, you might say. The fact of the matter is, while though I may still have certain....feelings....towards the situations surround my existance, I am no longer dwelling on the CAUSE of these situations.

I'm forever taking two foward and three back...but now....I feel like an olympic long jumper.
Ugh. CHEE-ZY. I was high...so sue me.

Now, don't get me wrong, while I still feel somewhat...well, I guess passionate (passionate my ass, I was fucking heated.) would be the polite way of putting it, I won't let whatever happens to be marathoning through my head to affect my attitude towards myself, or the people around me.
"Marathoning through my head?" Is marathoning even a word? And even if it was, what the hell?

I decided that I'm tired of all this pretending. This one man play has been drawn on for far too long, and I'm sick of it. One of my more fatal character flaws is that I have a tendancy to 'pull the wool' over my eyes, so to speak. Even if I don't feel something, I'll lie and say I will, just because it sounds 'nice.' I'm tired of being nice. Now, I'm not going to try and say that the past week or so hasn't been one helluva ride for me, because I'm done with lying. However, it could be....accurate...to state that not all of my actions this past week has been completely pure. Not every tear was shed in sincerity. And that certain situations may have been slightly, uh...lets go with calculated shall we? This is a habit that should be broken immediately, I feel. I will no longer behave a certain way with the purpose of eliciting a behavior or response from another. That just isn't the way I want to live my life.
Well aren't I just Mr. High and Mighty? I know theres a word for this....fuck...I need to not smoke so much.....what is it? Smug? Maybe....

Be direct, be straightfoward, be honest...with yourself above all. Thats my new philosophy on life. And self, inflation aside, I think that makes me a better man for it.
But I'm not one to brag or anything...sheesh

Honesty, or more specifically, sincerity, is one of the most valuable character traits in my eyes. Take this situation for example:

A few days ago I was hanging out with some friends of mine. (This was in the midst of my self destruct sequence which involved a 3 day drinking binge and punching holes in my wall.) Being extremely drunk, I tried engaging in a conversation of sorts with one of my female friends (i.e. I was hitting on her, and making a complete ass of myself.) Now, the thing about this friend, is while I've known for for awhile, I've never really gone out of my way to have a one-on-one conversation with her. She's always been cool to hang around, but I've never actually sat down and talked to her. So here I am, in all my drunken glory, trying to be charming and funny and what not, and proceeding to make myself look like...well, like a drunk guy who just broke up with his girlfriend and is trying to rebound.
Now the cool thing about this friend of mine, is that she completely called me out on it. Sure it was uncomfortable, and completely embarrassing, but at the same time I was genuinely grateful. After almost two years of basic silence, and having to get my former significant other to talk about problems and issues seeming very similar to a dentist pulling out teeth with no anesthetic, my friends directness and honesty was a blast of fresh air. To be completely honest, her words jack-slapped me right accross the face. But at the same time, opened up my eyes to a major character flaw of mine.
I have this problem where I can't just hang out with a girl without thinking about how I'm going to get her into bed. Thinking about all the great times that I've missed, or girls that I've treated that way...the conversations and connections that I could have had. It makes me sick. But, I'm changing all that.

Now, in the spirit of this whole honesty thing, I'll be straightfoward. Sure, at first I was just being drunk and well, me...but after she called me out I realized two things: That I had completely overlooked the fact that this girl was a lot cooler than I had ever thought, and that I'm not going to let something like that happen again, if I can help it. Now, I'm not gonna lie and say that I'm not at all interested in her (again with the honesty thing) but, instead of just going right for something that may not be there in the first place, I'd rather get to know her, be her friend, and well..chill, I guess is the appropriate word. Now, if she happens to read this, I'm sure she'll know who she is, and I hope that she doesn't start acting all akward around me. I want to try this new philosphy, see how it pans out. Just wanted to say thanks...and at the risk of sounding like the WB on thursday night....You reall did help me out, a lot more than you'll realize, I'm sure. I'm glad that I can finally get to know you.
Wow. Oooh.....Sorry Casey....lol...damn.....its almost funny, except its so sad.....

Great things are ahead.
No they aren't.

To all my peeps:

stay true

Tickle fight

Sat, 17 Dec 2005 07:39:13 GMT

Why did you stop, I wonder?
Why did your faces turn red as your hands slowly returned to their owners bodies and neither of you could look me in the eyes?
Why did I feel as if I interrupted something, or that there was something you were hiding?
Why did I hear laughing and giggling as I walked up the stairs?
Why are my hands still shaking?

An untold story....

Sat, 17 Dec 2005 07:26:11 GMT

Julian’s hands still trembled as his new-found knowledge ricocheted back and forth inside the walls of his head, emotions burning down onto his heart like acid rain. His trembling hands placed her phone back down on the table, and he quietly turned his back on her already closed eyes. It wasn’t what he had just read that had his mind reeling and his stomach turning. It was a big part of it sure, but not completely. It was the fact that she had lied to him. Lied right to his face, and in what was supposed to be one of the only times they had ever been truly honest with each other. There was something going on. She did had feelings for him, and he obviously had feelings for her. As much as it would have hurt him then, he still wanted to know the truth.

He knew that he had lied, and cheated, and took advantage of almost every aspect of their relationship, but that didn’t mean he deserved to be kept in the dark any more than she did. He learned the hard way that two wrongs, no matter how hard one tries, never make a right.

It had been almost a week straight that Gibson had been at the house already when Julian got home. There was even a pool going on at his work to see how many days in a row Gibson would be there, as if it were some kind of joke. He would casually joke about the situation, and brush off seeing them together as if he were brushing off a piece of lint from his shoulder. By this point, one might say that he was in denial of the whole scenario, not wanting to admit the obvious and try to move on with his life. Julian, however, had always been one to dwell on negative aspects of his life with a sort of masochistic attitude. Always believing that the only way to redeem himself for all his wrong-doings was to torture himself with his emotional pain. However Julian had already accepted the fact that Jenny was moving on, (apparently in a bee-line towards Gibson) but was not one to make rash judgments based on pure emotion. He had to have solid proof, which until now, was non existent.

Breathing deeply but irregularly, he tried to tell himself that he knew this was coming, and that having already prepared for such an occurrence, he should not be as pain-stricken as he was. Although, a person could prepare themselves for years for something tragic to happen, such as a an elderly relative or friend whose end is constantly near, but still not be able to handle the blow. On top of that, now he knew for sure that he could no longer trust Jenny or Gibson, and that no matter how hard he tried, he would not be able to contain his still festering anger towards both of them, and things would never again be the same.

So yeah.....guess who THAT was about....jesus...I'm completely embarrassed. Damn. Well, if nothing else, it was well written, dontcha think?